A New Year

So,  as we enter a new year. I only trust and hope (and pray) that 2019 is better than 2018. There will be a very big hole in my life, left when Carol passed away. We had an amazing marriage. 11 years of total joy. We did so much together, we visited so many places, discovered so many new things as a couple. The battle with cancer was very difficult. We had hopes that it could be won. Carol got through 12 cycles of chemotherapy without too much trouble. Then she got the infection which lead to her being in hospital for several periods, until the final stretch which eventually lead to her going into Willen Hospice for them to deal with the awful pain she had to endure. They managed to find the right combination of medication to relieve the pain and then she had to move out of Willen (because they could only allow her to stay for no more than 5 weeks.) which eventually lead to her moving to Castlemead Court where she eventually died barely a week later.

Carol had her sights set on going back to work. She loved her job as a science teacher. It was very stressful but that didn't put her off. I was able to support her by being at home, looking after the house, shopping, cleaning and making sure she had a meal when she got home in the evening. She was almost alway at work before other members of staff, usually by 7.15. It's only a short walk from our home to the Academy, so I could go and meet her as she left in the afternoon. She will be sadly missed by her colleagues and pupils. How many times we would be out in Milton Keynes, shopping or doing nothing in particular, when we would have one of her students come to see her and tell her that they had to thank her for helping them gain whatever qualification so they could achieve their ambition, for example, get to university. Or she would find a former pupil working somewhere, probably on a supermarket checkout or similar. Quite heartening to think she has left a legacy like that. But, as the cancer took hold it seemed unlikely that she would ever return to work. The pain she experienced was too much.

When we first got the diagnosis around 18 months ago, it was a terrible shock. I told Carol then that I would be with her all the way along the journey, however difficult. And it was. The worst thing being that, however much pain and suffering she had to endure, there was nothing much I could do do help. All I could do was be at her side and watch. I managed to be with her every day she was in hospital, and at every consultant and doctor's appointment and every single chemotherapy session. We did manage to visit some interesting places in the early days after the diagnosis, but there were times when it was obvious that Carol was in intense pain. It was extremely difficult for me to see someone who was so lively, had a degree in earth sciences, went on to become an extremely popular and successful science teacher, who enjoyed reading, playing games on her Kindle, sometimes playing Scrabble with me when she was in hospital, and then, over a relatively short period, doing none of these things, just laying in bed, in excruciating pain, and doing nothing, spending long periods asleep, and drugged to the point that she could barely tell what the time of day was or what was going on.

Not The Best News

Alfie was quite insistent that he was going to be taken out for an early-morning walk. I got up as usual and he was sitting on the sofa watching me like a hawk, following me around the house, staring  at me and it was quite clear what his game was. He wouldn't let me off the hook, so I had no real choice but to put on my jacket and shoes and then connect his lead to his harness and then go out the front door. I haven't been on a long walk since my heart attack, so I walked relatively slowly as I did have a vague feeling of an angina attack, but nothing more. I even took my mobile with me, just in case. Eaglestone Park is beginning to show real signs of autumn. I also had my G.T.N. spray in my jacket pocket.

I had to do some shopping early, so I went to Sainsbury's, going at around 8.40 and avoiding traffic as well as dawdling shoppers which you tend to get on a Saturday morning. A few items as I'm having to make myself a meal of some sort with Carol in hospital at the moment. A few odds-and-ends to stock up on, those things that having a bit of running out when you least expect it.

Once I'd returned home I put the food items away, some in the fridge, as I didn't fancy the idea of them sitting in the back of the car when I parked at the hospital. It was around 10 o'clock when I eventually drove into the hospital campus and drove around to the ground-level carpark near Cardiology. I think we're becoming extremely familiar with the layout of the hospital of the last year or so and I've discovered where exactly Ward 2 is in relation to, say, the Macmillan unit as well as Oncology and Cardiology (which is handily just opposite Oncology.) You can see the windows of the ward as you walk through the courtyard on your way through and Ward 22, where Carol was a couple of weeks ago, can be seen through the window of Ward 2.

Carol had a visit from Doctor Saka, the cancer consultant with whom she was supposed to have had an appointment yesterday morning (Friday.) Unfortunately I wasn't with her when he came to the ward. We've now learned that the tumour has increased in size unfortunately, as shown on the recent scans. The plan is for her to have 6 months of more chemotherapy, but a more intense treatment which will leave her with no hair as well as possibly making her feel quite sick. Not something we are looking forward to. We were expecting her to have radiotherapy at the Churchill Hospital in Oxford, but none of this can be started until the pain she is experiencing is under control. But we know we can get through this, however difficult it turns out to be. Me having my recent heart attack hasn't exactly helped matters. I am feeling fine, apart from the occasionally twinge. I have become very aware of my heart-rate when I'm lying down and I can feel quite nauseous at times, which is as a result of the medication, also, feeling a little bit light-headed, but all in all I'm not feeling too bad, perhaps getting tired easily, but if I rest it makes things easier. Just something I have to live with, and, anyway, I went through similar things after my first heart attack in 2006.

Ward 2 is a short-stay ward. During the afternoon Carol was asked if she would like to move to a side-room? Her answer was that she would love to get away from the noise of the ward. There are a couple of elderly ladies who make a lot of noise in the night, and one was moved to a side-room because of this. So we bundled up all her belongings and a porter trended her off up the corridor. It's  Ward 20, which is opposite the first ward she was on last year, Ward 20, and just above the Macmillan unit and extremely handy for me coming in to park near the Cardiology department so that should make things easier. 

A Really Difficult Post

This is going to be a very difficult blog post to write. In fact I've avoided writing it as you willl discover why you will probably see why. As I've mentioned in the past few weeks on this blog, Carol has been unwell. We haven't had a particularly good summer. She was off work from the Academy for the final two weeks of the summer term and then, over August and well into September we've had quite a few visits to Accident and Emergency as well as appointments at Ashfield Medical Centre with doctors as well as the practice nurse. This is due to a great deal of pain she has been experiencing. The first doctors appointment she had she was thought to have a urinary infection and was put on antibiotics. But that did not appear to make any difference. She had real problems sleeping at night with the intense pain. On at least two occasions we went to the Urgent Care Centre at Milton Keynes Hospital and a further couple of times to Accident and Emergency. The last time we went there she was admitted to hospital and spent four days there, eventually moving to Ward 19. Still no cause found for the continuing pain, however she was given a wide variety of different pain relief medication, including tramadol. Eventually she had a further appointment with the practice nurse who did a further examination and then got her referred to the hospital to have an endoscopy appointment. This was on a Sunday (mentioned in an earlier post.) We were to get the results of this investigation the next Tuesday. It was more than a shock when the doctor who gave us the results that the cause of the pain was caused by a lesion. Which meant it was likely to be cancerous. You can imagine our shock. I have to say I almost fell on the floor when we were told. Not something you want to hear at any time, ever, as you can appreciate. There needed to be further investigations, including another endoscopy which uses a camera and is able to take possibly biopsy so that further tests could me done. This happened last Monday, and, unfortunately, they have now confirmed that it is cancerous. We now have to wait for the results from the biopsy and today, Thursday, Carol had a C.T. scan to check that there is no further cancer in any other organ of her body. A huge and very difficult thing to take in from both of us as well as our families. Unfortunately Carol is still continuing to experience great pain, particularly at night, making it very difficult to sleep. Meanwhile she has been signed off work from Milton Keynes Academy. I am going to leave off writing this and will make mention of things as they develop in future posts.

The C.T. scan went incredibly well. The appointment was at 9.30 and we got to the hospital far too early, as we have a habit of doing with most things. Not such a bad thing in itself, I suppose, particularly if you have to contend with traffic as well as parking. We walked to the unit, which we'd been to a couple of weeks previously. As we got there too early the receptionist rang through to find out if Carol could be seen early and apparently there was a gap in the schedule, so there was none of the waiting as we experienced at the endoscopy department a few days earlier. It was all over very quickly and we were soon walking back to the car and coming home, although we did go into the shop at the entrance as Carol said she had a really nasty taste in her mouth, no doubt caused by the dye she had injected into her blood stream to aid the scan and needed a drink of something to get rid of the taste. Taking a great deal of medications, that is one of the side effects that such meds can cause. We also bought a couple of pastries and went home.