Coronavirus Panic, Camphill and Television Viewing

Just been watching the penultimate episode of the latest season of 'Doctor Who,' and I have to say it's really rather good. It would appear they've thrown everything into this story, with better special effects and generally a better story and all the assistants had plenty to do. I still don't understand the second story, presumably set in Ireland. Then (spoiler alert!) a central enemy of the Doctor appears in the closing moments and there's the finale episode of the season still to be seen . . .

(Tuesday) I've now seen the final episode of he season and it's good! But there's rumours that some of the actors who play the assistants are leaving, notably Bradley Walsh, due to other work commitments.

(Saturday) Today would be my lovely Carol's 56th birthday. I'm upset and I miss her, but I know she wouldn't want me to dwell on things and I'm getting on with my life. It's ironic to think that, had I not been driving to Willen Hospice to see Carol when she was there and going past the entrance to Camphill, I might not have thought to become a volunteer there and make so many friends with the group of residents in the drama workshop. I'm sure she'd be so pleased to think I'm doing something I enjoy and using what skills I have to benefit that group of people.

(Sunday) It's bright and sunny. There was a fairly strong wind blowing when I took Alfie out and we walked partially around Oldbrook Boulevard, but it was still chilly.

(Tuesday) Only at Camphill until 12 o'clock because they were having training and then community assembly. We did a line-run of 'Stranger Danger.' It's getting better and stronger each time the guys perform it. Every line very clear and you could hear each word spoken. I again was a 'Little Piggy,' because one of the residents, who never seems to appear before midday, wasn't with us. Then we watched part of 'The Sound of Music.' Another film I remember going to see when it was originally released, probably around 1965, and going with my father instead of my grandmother, and all he did was complain about the cost of the cinema seats, no doubt shown at the Granada cinema in St Peters Street, now demolished and the site now a branch of Lidl. Great pity. At one point it had the second largest cinema screen after the Odeon Marble Arch in London. Just one question I have to ask about the 'Sound of Music.' How come Captain Von Trapp (played by Christopher Plummer) is a sea captain, because if the film is set in Austria, which has no coastline, how come they had a navy? Or did they? Which navy was he a sea captain of? Then we did an improvisation, based loosely on the scene where the children march out when the Captain blows his whistle. I'm not sure it worked but we will need to rehearse it some more before it's perfect.

The residents at Camphill have done some sort of training since the coronavirus outbreak. They mustn't shake hands but touch elbows. Although i'm not sure that isn't as bad as hand-shaking as it's still touching. Wearing of face masks, which we see a lot of on television news since this epidemic began, somewhere in China, because these things are mean't to be worn once and then only for a shot time and then, if you touch them on the outside when you take them off, that would spread the virus, so in that case they are pointless.

(Wednesday) I've been shopping in Sainsbury's this morning and I saw the aisle where the toilet rolls are and a lot of shelf space is empty, due,  no doubt, to total panic buying. I can't see why particularly toilet rolls. Pasta as well, apparently. No doubt some crazy item in one of the more reactionary newspapers, such as the Daily Mail or Express. It's a sort of siege mentality.

It's nowhere near as blustery and cold today. Do I get a sense of it being almost spring-like, or is that being a bit too optimistic?

I've discovered that there's going to be an 'Alice In Wonderland' exhibition to be staged at the Victoria and Albert Museum in London, starting in June. I am something of an 'Alice' fanatic and read it avidly when I was a child and it has really fascinated me even as an adult, so it's a must for me to visit an exhibition which is going to have some of the original artwork which was done by the illustrator Sir John Tenniel as well as preliminary artwork for the 1950's Walt Disney animated cartoon as well as a good deal more, so I will have to get my ticket on-line, which is the only way it would seem you can get to see the exhibition, timed-ticket only. I only found out about this exhibition whilst listening to Classic FM which I had on when I was driving to Camphill the other day, so thanks to them and whoever was the presenter, I think probably John Suchet. I think I may wait until the coronavirus situation is under control before deciding whether I go to this exhibition. I don't fancy going into London and putting myself at risk of catching the thing. I don't want to, but it makes sense.

Tuesday at Camphill

I went to Camphill as usual on Tuesday. I leave to drive there a good deal earlier in an attempt to avoid the traffic, which can get really busy at around 8.30a.m. Regardless of this, it can still be extremely busy. Crossing the roundabout where Chaffron Way crosses Marlborough Street as well as Brickhill Street crossing Childs Way and finally Portway, can be really hairy. It's a matter of just being a good deal more aggressive and go for it when the road is clear, but it's not pleasant and a build-up of traffic which can tail back a long way. The journey should take no more than 10 minutes, but at that early hour it can take a good 45 minutes.

Lot of people missing today. Co-workers as well as residents. I had to read in for those who were missing, although it was only a line rehearsal. Then we were sorting out costumes for the actors. We had to go under the stage and into the costume store and bring up rails of the costumes, some of which had carrier bags attached which had hand props and bits and pieces which made up the various costumes. But when we got to the door of the costume store the keys would not unlock the door so we spent a great deal of time trying various keys but still the door would not unlock. It took at least 20 minutes before we were able to find the correct key and then take the rail of costumes up into the theatre.

We have now been told that the final drama workshop session before the Christmas break will be on 17th December. A group who use the Chrysalis Theatre,  Phoenix Rising, will be coming to see what will be, in essence, a dress rehearsal of 'Stranger Danger.'

I've been asked if I would like to work on a Monday with the singing workshop. It would be good to have an additional day's volunteer work. When I went to the Willen Hospice coffee morning in John Lewis I sat with the group that are newly bereaved and separate from the larger group I usually sit with. I spoke to one of the volunteer ladies and we were talking and I mentioned my interest in Shakespeare and she said, had I ever considered being a volunteer at the Shakespeare Globe, the reconstructed theatre on the Southbank of the Thames? I had never even thought of it. She was a volunteer there and said I might be good at that sort of thing. You have to go for an interview and it's not about your knowledge of Shakespeare that would want, more your ability to engage with the public, being a  friendly face that the audience members would see when they visited. I'm not sure I want to go all the way into London (you get your train fare reimbursed, apparently.) And it's likely to be a long day and coming home at night would put me off, crossing London on the Underground and the fact it's noisy, dirty, and generally unpleasant so it might not appeal to me in that respect, even though I would love to be involved.

Alfie Has A Trim (Amongst Other Things)

(Monday)I went to the Willen Hospice coffee morning at John Lewis this morning. I haven't been for
quite a while, basically because I've been so busy moving to the flat. I was the second person there and some of the tables we usually sit at were missing. When more of the regulars arrived, they decided to move the tables back so that everyone could sit at them. Logical, really.

I sat next to a man who told me he worked as a supporting artiste/extra, so we had things in common to talk about. I am envious of him because he worked on the film version of 'Les Miserables,' and got to sing in he finale of the film, which was shot in Greenwich.

Alfie has been booked in for an appointment at The Groom Room at the Bletchley branch of Pets Are Home for the past few weeks. His coat was beginning to look really untidy. He could barely see where he was going because of the hair over his eyes and he has a build-up of the horrible mess under his eyes. I do try to remove it, but he doesn't like it. I had to discreetly take the cage, which folds up and is stored under my bed (definitely no room elsewhere in the flat.) and took it out to the car on Sunday afternoon. So, at around 12.40 on Monday I got him ready to go, with the usual barking and yapping which goes with putting on his lead. I got him out to the car, hatch open and the caged door open and he goes in without any problems, with the end of his lead outside the cage (I have learnt all these 'tricks' over the years.) The cage door has to be arranged inside the car facing right, the small end of the cage, which makes it easier for Alfie to enter. Then, cage door shut and firmly closed so he can't push it open from inside, I drive off to Bletchley. With the luggage shelf in place, it makes the cage darker and this seems to suit Alfie and he likes to have calming music playing on the car radio.

On the way home I went to Lidl in Oldbrook Boulevard and then returned home to unpack what I'd bought. I had to be at The Groom Room to collect Alfie so I had plenty of time. You can see the results of the grooming session if you look at the photograph I've attached to this blog at the top of this post. It's great that his eyes are now clear of that nasty gunge which builds up under his eyes and the hair on his face is cut so he can see where he's going. They didn't give him a very short all-over body trim and left it a good deal longer than last time. I bought him a rather smart jacket because I didn't think it was fair to have him clipped when we're about to go into colder weather. Rather nice, with a zip along the back which makes it a good deal easier to put on him.

Changeable Weather

From being excessively hot, to rain and then humid, it's a really blustery day. I had intended washing

the bedding and stripped the bed and put on new duvet cover, bottom sheet and pillow cases and put the whole lot in the washing machine, with the idea of putting it all out on the washing line to dry, but it looked vaguely as if we were in for a downpour so, change of plan, the sheet has been folded and put over the bannister rail and the duvet is drying over one of the clothes racks. Not ideal, but it's the only way to dry clothes when it's so undecided. Alfie thinks it's some sort of game when I'm attempting to put the duvet on. He can't understand what I'm up to.

On Saturday I went to the writing group which meets in Starbucks in the shopping centre. I got there and found it really busy, with a long queue at the corner. I ordered a cold drink and a cheese and hame toastier and then sat near the entrance, having absolutely no idea who was going to turn up. Nobody I could see looked in the least bit as if they could be writers. How would I know, without going round asking? Would they be carrying notepads? Manuscripts in folders? Until someone came up to me and asked me, and a young lady who appears to be the leader of the group, and we went to one of the tables outside in the mall as it was far easier to talk, because it was so noisy within the actual Starbucks store.

(Monday) I went to the Willen coffee morning at John Lewis and sat with a different group with whom I haven't chatted before. I have been given a telephone number of a bereavement counselling service which I've not come across before, so when I got home I rang and left a message and later I got a call-back from their secretary. They have a drop in run by volunteers, but then I got a call back from Willen Hospice, and told them that I had got two nurses coming from the new N.H.S. service, which I've already mentioned in an earlier post on here, so I will wait until after they've visited me on Wednesday afternoon before setting up any further counselling. The woman at the Milton Keynes Bereavement Counselling Service said they couldn't help because they have such a long waiting list of people but that I could go in to the drop-in if I was feeling I needed to chat. I will wait and see what happens after the Wednesday visit.

I ordered printer ink cartridges on Amazon. Mid morning I got a knock on the door and flew downstairs to answer was it was quite aggressive. I was expecting it to be another of those door-to-door salespeople trying to flog energy, gas and electricity, but as I got there, the door was opened and a parcel was thrust in without waiting for me to answer. This is not the way for Amazon drivers/deliverers to complete a delivery. I opened the door to confront this young man and said he should put the parcel in the meter cupboard and definitely not just open the door! He was apologetic, but still, not acceptable because Alfie could have got out and I know what he's like if he gets out. He could get run over. In this instance, fortunately I was able to get to the door before he got out, although he did bark.

(Tuesday) Camphill as usual. The traffic going is again calmer than usual. I can't believe most of it would normally be school traffic, parents taking their offspring to drop off at the school gates. Is that correct? Anyway, it's not as busy as it would be during a school day. None of those impatient idiots tailgating me all the way. What is it with some people?

We did a line-run of 'Stranger Danger.' Apparently the residents had a training day with the Police yesterday and they were shown the video of 'Stranger Danger,' and they were impressed by it. The training was on safety, keeping safe on-line and more or less the same as the material provided in 'Stranger Danger.'

Teo wanted to rehearse 'Stranger Danger' as if it was a proper performance. Up until now it has been rehearsed in 'bits,' the separate scenes not linked together. It was something like a technical rehearsal, as I remember when I worked in rep, where the whole play is taken apart, once the set is constructed and the lighting and sound cues 'topped and tailed,' where the play is run, but then stage management is allowed to try out scene changes and the sound and lighting cues put in. It also gives the actors a chance to get used to the set, using props, making entrances and so on. This is something like what we did today, with the actors sitting on stools around the stage (but in this instance it was set up in the theatre in the space where the seating would have been (the Chrysalis Theatre has seating which can be folded back into the back wall of the auditorium in a very ingenious arrangement, and when needed, drawn out on a motorised mechanism. Quite amazing to see it in operation for the first time.) It meant that new movements of the actors could be tried out and how and when pieces of furniture such as tables and chairs could be set and 'struck,' which is where support staff come in handy, me being one of them.

(Wednesday) The weather has changed yet again. I did a load of washing (boring and mundane, I know) and was considering whether to put it out on the washing line. I'm glad I didn't and it's now on both drink racks.

I've now got two bits of writing posted on the WhatsApp creative writing group and I've had a few comments. So, it seems worth all the effort has at last paid off and after waiting to find a creative writing group the results look good. I'm reading other member's work and they look good too. It's certainly a boost to my morale to have this to work at.

Road Works

A couple of days ago I noticed a couple of men walking along Golden Drive, spraying marks on the road surface. It has been in a fairly poor condition for some while, great chasms along the centre. I think the roads around here, particularly those within each grid square, were really cheaply constructed, looking like they were laid in sections, with a sort of seam where the two sections of tarmac meet and they have gradually shrunk apart, leaving a sort of crack, so when it rains, these rifts or cracks fill up with water and then, in the winter, when there's frost and snow, when it then freezes, the expansion of the ice breaks the road up further. This has been the case quite clearly at the entrance from Saxon Street, which has since been patched up in a rather cheap method which was also used along the road near my house. Now the Council is coming back to do a far better job, using the more traditional method of using a pneumatic drill to dig out the old tarmac and then the workmen shovel in tarmac in the hole and then use a road roller or one of those machines that 'bounces' (for want of a better word.) to press down the tarmac. I'm not so sure they don't put down a layer or rubble or grit before they put in the tarmac. But a notice was put up a couple of days ago to warn motorists that the work was about to commence. Today being the day when the work would be done. I went out to Sainsbury's just after 9 o'clock this morning and had forgotten about this work and the possibility that I wouldn't be able to get back in to my parking space in front of the house. I saw the 'Road Closed' sign but ignored it, because I wanted to get back home with my shopping fairly sharpish as there were some items which needed to go in the freezer before they thawed. There was no work being carried out and this didn't start in ernest until well past the time I got back home. As I write, I can see out of the window where they workmen have filled in some of th holes with tarmac, but it now looks a bit patchy. I know this is a cheap job and we should be grateful for any repairs, but it would shortly have been better to completely remove the surface of the road and replace it completely, but perhaps that's expecting far too much. Be thankful for small mercies, as someone or other said.

I wanted to get a doctor's appointment. I just need to chat to my doctor about the medication I've been on and whether they are actually working. Just having 10 because diazepam is a controlled medication and you can only be prescribed that many may be in my best interests, but it's annoying to have to keep ringing to get a repeat. It didn't take long to get through this time and when I did get to speak to a receptionist I was told that, Doctor Haye, wouldn't be available to speak to until Wednesday.

I then rang Willen Hospice. I eventually spoke to a lady and said that I thought I needed further cerement counselling and she said that it might be a couple of days before they could set something up. I told her I had been going to the coffee mornings in John Lewis restaurant and then she said that it was herself who had set up the extra coffee morning in the John Lewis Express Bar, because there are so many people who need care and support who have a connection to Willen. Now I just have to wait until they ring me to set up this counselling session.

(Friday) I woke this morning to what I thought was the sound of rain, and it wasn't until I stuck my head out of the bedroom window that I realised that it was indeed raining. So Alfie was somewhat disappointed that he didn't get his routine walk around Eaglestone Park. But I don't fancy having him soaked to the skin and myself soaked, so it will have to wait until the rain either eases off or the stops completely. It was quite muggy yesterday evening, so the rain has eased the temperature considerably.

(Friday) I had a telephone call this morning from a lady who works for the N.H.S. It would appear that someone at  Ashfield Medical Centre has passed on my details to a new service which hopes to be able to support people in my situation, not only with bereavement counselling, but who has health issues such as mine. This sounds the sort of service that I could benefit from. She said that they could come out and visit me at home, two of them, one being a nurse, and could give me contacts of organisations which might possibly give me support. So they are visiting me on Wednesday next week to have a chat and see how they can help. So, this is making me feel a good deal more relaxed about things in general. All this since I met Doctor Ben when I went to see Danny on Ward 22 last week. He has a remarkable way with patients and Carol always got on with him very well. Some doctors might have the head knowledge and be good at their job, but then there are those who don't know how to deal with patients, particularly when it's something like cancer. He certainly had a knack of being able to understand the emotional side of what was, in effect, a terminal illness. It's thanks to him last Friday that I will now get the help and support I need.

Later I went to the Oaktree Centre to have something for lunch in the recently reopened cafe, nothing spectacular, just a cheese and salad sandwich and a latte, which was really excellent. I sat and spoke to John and Margaret, the couple who so kindly drove me to Worcester the other week to enable me to see my newest grandson. My N.H.S. manual handling training came in handy when I had to help with a wheelchair-bound lady who was stuck in the disabled toilet. No lifting of your service-user or client (depending on where you are working, to use the correct terminology.) but we were able to extricate the lady and all very successfully achieved.

Hospital Visit

(Friday) I've been to visit one of the leadership team from Shenley Christian Fellowship, who is currently in Milton Keynes Hospital with some sort of leg infection. I have him on Facebook and he's taken a photograph to show the extent of the infection, and how his leg has blown up (if that's the right way to describe it.) and not looking nice. As it's such a short walk to the hospital, I decided to walk, thus making it easier because I wouldn't have to drive and then find a space to park the car. I found out he was in ward 22 and had a vague recollection where it was, because it was one of the wards Carol was on at some stage or other. Once there, I totally forgot where it was, thinking it was up the stairs when you enter from near the Cardiology department, but then, having enquired of a member of staff, that it's not actually in the main building, but on it's own, nor a short walk from the cafeteria and the shop. It then dawned on me that it was close to the M.R.I. scan unit. as far as I remember, just over the fire road (called, presumably, because that would be where fire engines would come in if the hospital caught fire.) and close to the courtyard which was set up with tables with umbrellas on them and where they had a barbecue last year, as part of the 70th Anniversary of the foundation of the N.H.S., and a BBC television crew set up cameras to interview staff and shown on Look East, live that evening, a day when I went to see Carol on Ward 22 and during that exceptionally hot summer we had last year. Ward 22 is upstairs and on the ground floor is the Endoscopy department, where Carol had to go for a scan at the beginning of the process which eventually gave the diagnosis that she had bowel cancer. Not the best memory to have, but still part of the same story, unfortunately.

I went up the stairs to the ward entrance and had to press the button beside the door to gain entrance. I think it has a camera on it so that staff on reception can see who's wanting to enter. I had to press several times before someone came to let me in, I think one of the doctors.

I had no idea where on ward 22 Danny was. It's not like a general ward, where you have patients in a sort of communal area, each with curtains that pull round on a track whenever you need privacy, a bedside chest for your personal belongings and a table on wheels that moves up and down and on which you have your meals. But on this ward there are separate rooms, some single, but a couple, like the one Carol was on, had four beds, and they had the use of their own bathroom and toilet (which I soon discovered I wasn't supposed to use, something to do with cross-infection, although I could use a toilet on the main body of the ward.) As I walked along the corridor, hoping to find the nurse's station, which is usually central to any hospital ward, and which is where there is usually a receptionist and ward administrator/manager, and where the door to the ward is opened when you press the door button outside in the corridor, I came upon the doctor who cared for Carol and was responsible for her pain control. Doctor Ben, but I don't remember his surname. A very easy to talk to young man and very good at his job, and was seen on occasion when Carol was in Willen Hospice.

He turned to me and spent some time chatting to me. It was obvious that he knew of Carol's passing, well, he would have known, working as he did at Willen and spending a lot of time with us, trying to get Carol's awful pain under control, which was the main reason she went into Willen Hospice. I can talk about this now, write it on here, but only a few months ago, I would have found writing this extremely traumatic, but actually, but writing about it now, it's sort of therapeutic. He asked me how I was coping, and I said that it was a sort of roller-coaster ride, up and down, at the moment, more down. I told him I had been prescribed medication to help me sleep, and was currently on Diazepam which was helping me calm down as well as sleep, but that I was getting panic attacks (I don't know why.) and was caused mostly because of being messed around my various government departments regarding benefits and also, not having my rent paid in full by Housing Benefit. He asked me if I was getting any support. I said I had been to Willen and had some bereavement counselling, but it had finished because the lady who counselled me didn't think I needed any further support. I said that I had been to Macmillan to see the counsellor there, but I was told what the Willen lady had said and that I was moving forward, especially with my volunteering at Camphill. He told me that I should go back to my doctor as the N.H.S. should have some sort of support for me in my situation. Perhaps going back to get support from Willen Hospice might be part of the answer. I'll have to wait and see.

I wasn't sure exactly which room Danny was in, so Dr Ben asked a nurse, who wasn't sure and had to consult a list, but eventually we discovered which room it was. I walked round the ward, which is so much quieter than the average ward. I remember when I was in hospital after my first heart attack in 2006, on the C.C.U. (Coronary Care Unit) at Bedford Hospital, there was a corridor which passed more or less straight through the ward, and, even in the middle of the night, you'd get people walking through, almost always talking at full volume, and then there was a noisy refrigeration unit on the roof outside the window which made the most awful sounds all through the night. And on top of that you had new patients being bought in, on beds usually, and the nurses weren't exactly quiet.

I was directed to Danny's room. A single room. His wife Chris was there, but no sign of Danny. He was in the bathroom. For some strange and totally unaccountable reason he couldn't open the door. If it would have been me I would have been stressed, because the thought of being trapped in a room with a door which I couldn't open wouldn't be a pleasant experience. I don't like enclosed spaces at the best of times, but being stuck in a bathroom or toilet when the door doesn't unlock would be my worst nightmare. Most N.H.S. facilities, usually toilets, have similar locks which are usually easy enough to open (I recall the bathroom when I worked as a Support Worker at Country Cottage in Everton, part of the N.H.S. Learning Disabilities Service, where the bathroom had similar locks to those in the hospital and all the equipment, grab-rails, waste bins with that strange mechanism that you weren't supposed to push down with your hand and coloured yellow, even the taps and shower units and flooring were the same.) so I had a vague idea how to get out, even if it meant pulling the red cord which would call a nurse to your assistance. Then suddenly Danny appeared, but not from the door into the main room. I presumed there was a second door which opened out into either the corridor or the adjoining room. He looked pained. The leg which is causing so much trouble, probably an infection, is bound up with bandages but it's a bright red, from what you can see. He looked in real pain and managed to get to the bed and lie on it. But in these wards there are never enough chairs. Usually a high-backed one with padding for the patient, but visitors get to sit on plastic chairs. They may be one in the room, but if more visitors come then you have to hunt them down, usually stacked elsewhere on the ward. I remember several years ago, when I had a brief stay in hospital, following a rather prolonged angina attack which meant I had to remain in hospital for a couple of days, Carol needed to sit down and sat on the bed. Just never do that! It's against the rules. There was a very officious woman of indeterminate age (I think her role was probably ward administrator, but I'm not sure, but she might have been a volunteer.) Carol got told off for sitting on the bed and when she started reading my notes (which were kept in a folder in a slot at the end of the bed, she got even more of a telling-off! Even though we were husband and wife, she wasn't supposed to look at my notes, which could have been read by anyone who came on the ward. Now, with new computerised technology, all notes are stored on a computer system (which was being started up whilst Carol was in hospital.) so it would now be very difficult for anyone without the relevant password to get into such personal and sensitive material. All patients, when being admitted to a ward, has to have a paper wrist band put on, which shows your name, date of birth and has a bar code which is read by a scanner when a  nurse comes to do your 'Obs,' or gives out your medication.

Several nurses came in to do the various checks, to do the obligatory 'Obs,' give medications and check Danny's leg, which looks redder and as painful as ever. All these checks done by technology. Then Carline Swann arrived, another member of S.C.F., who I have seen in church but have not had an opportunity to speak to. She seems to know a great deal about nursing and care (not sure what her job is exactly.) and as a result of her arrival another chair was required. Another difficulty of these small rooms, never enough space when you have several visitors requiring seating. And those plastic chairs which are in all these wards for visitors, made of plastic and not as comfortable as they might be. I think they have them as they would be easier to clean for hygiene purposes, but you begin to slip off the seat after a while. So, by this time it was my time to leave and bade farewell, just hoping and praying that Danny's leg heals soon so he can leave hospital and return to his home.

No Milk!

(Saturday) I've done it again! The milk was off so I couldn't have my breakfast bowl of cereal or my mug of tea. I'll just have to wait until the local shop is open and then, once I've munched my cereal and drunk my tea, I can take Alfie out around Eaglestone Park. He's watching me on from his position on the sofa. Never mind. I just didn't realise the milk was off. It came out with horrible floaty bits in it so that's the end of it.

Later. I've been to get milk from the One Stop shop in Garroways, Coffee Hall. I came back and  took Alfie out for his walk. There was absolutely no way he was going to let me have my bowl of cereal and cup of tea before we went out. But I had this when we got back. Funny little dog, a bit of a control freak, but I love him to bits. He's been a fantastic support for me during Carol's diagnosis and since she's died. made myself a cup of tea

I went to Aldi at Bradwell Common. I'm trying to wean myself off Sainsbury's. Nothing wrong with them as a supermarket, but compared with Aldi, they are not cheap. I was in and out in barely 10-15 minutes. No lingering, which is how the big supermarkets want you to behave, selling stuff that you don't really need, such as clothing, so you put it in your trolley and before you know it, your final bill has doubled or trebled. I like the fact that Aldi, as well as Lidl, is relatively small footprint and that you have little choice for some products so its easy to make a decision. Why have so many versions of the same thing, washing-up liquid, breakfast cereal, coffee or tea? Just put it in our trolley. Then, at the checkout, they speedily scan it through. Someone has had the sense to make the barcodes easy to find and they're larger than on other supermarket's packaging. You just have your shopping scanned straight into your trolley and you pack it into your own bags on a nearby shelf once you've paid, which means less waiting in the queue.

Yesterday was hot. Infact, far too hot. After the glitch on Thursday, when my heart rate increased when I went out on my way to the Oaktree Centre, I made sure I stayed indoors and out of the heat. This morning it's not as hot, although the sun is shining at 6.55a.m. I have taken Alfie out around Eaglestone Park, a bit of a surprise for him and before I had my breakfast. Now watching BBC Breakfast and Donald Trump visiting the D.M.Z. (Demilitarised Zone) between North and South Korea. I'm not sure how the pictures are being transmitted, probably via a satellite link, but the pictures keep freezing. Trump preening and making the most of the photo opportunity. He really is a narcissist and relishes being the centre of attention. But, it depends how you read this 'historic event,' and I suppose it it, but don't forget that Trump intends to stand again for next year's Presidential Election, it's just a photo opportunity. But will President Moon, North Korean President, turn up to meet him? Of course, Trumpy has to broadcast this all over Twitter. Just surprises me that the President of the USA should be allowed to use Twitter or any social media, more from a security perspective than anything else.

I've decided that the world, at long last, will have to endure the sight of my knees and my legs! I've put on my shorts and the short-sleeved shirt I bought in Marks and Spencers some while ago. Just need to keep cool today, that's all. The sun continues to shine at 8.15a.m. Just sitting here in my armchair in the lounge writing this.

I've been to Shenley Christian Centre. The speaker was someone from Newlife Church called Dave Eyeington. One of the guys I work with in the drama workshop told me he went there. No end of people in the café area during the break between services when they serve tea and coffee. But NO BISCUITS! I know, I shouldn't eat them, but I do like a biccy with my cuppa and disappointed when there wasn't a Hobnob, Ginger Nut, Digestive, Jammie Dodger (I like them best, especially the red, jammy bit in the centre.) or Custard Cream. Now I've talked myself into going out and getting a packet from the local shop. I think it's called, I can't think now, but I know what I'm attempting to say. Something to do with psychology. It's how supermarkets get us to buy, buy, buy.

I left the Oaktree Centre and immediately drove down Chaffron Way and went to Waitrose and into the café to have a latte, egg sandwich and rather nice Danish pastry. I have bought myself a water bottle because I think I need to drink more, particularly in this warm weather. I think it was when my heart rate increased because of the heat the other evening that encouraged me to buy this item. I just now have to remember to actually fill it with water and take it with me and not leave it at home.

There was quite a queue of cars coming out of the carpark and going up the slope leaving Waitrose. Why on earth is it such a tight turn coming up that slope? Why do drivers insist of trying to turn right coming onto Chaffron Way? It's a particularly dangerous turn in the first place and surely it's safer and easier to turn left, go round the roundabout and go straight ahead, or is that too simple and easy and far easier? I just wonder how many accidents there have been at this junction. The local authority needs to put some sort of barrier in the centre of the road so that people can't turn right. I imagine if they did this, then there would be an outcry. Always someone who will complain, even if it's a safety measure. Driving at full speed around Milton Keynes, at whatever the speed limit is is also dangerous, but it needs to be no more that 50 miles per hour.

As I drove back along Chaffron Way back home I got a phone call through the media system in my car. I have managed to connect my iPhone to the sound system via Bluetooth. This was only the second such call I have had since setting this up. It was from a friend, Margaret, who goes to Shenley Christian Fellowship. It was inviting me for lunch at 2 o'clock. I immediately said yes. It's nice to be invited and a chance to get out of the house. Also nice not to have to prepare a meal and also it means I won't now need to have a meal this evening. They live in Downhead Park, which is next to Willen, no just Willen Hospice (barely a five-minute drive when Carol was in there) but also Camphill.

Volunteering At Camphill

I've been a volunteer at Camphill for quite a while now. It must be two months, if not more. I have mentioned this in previous blog posts. When I started there I only did a few hours, from 9 until 12. More to see whether I could cope with the hours as well as to see if I would fit in, whether the residents would get on with me. I do fit in and they seem to like having me there. It's actually a perfect fit from all aspects.

It seemed to take for ever to get to Camphill this morning (Tuesday). There was a tractor with a grass mower on the back going along Chaffron Way, all the way from my leaving Eaglestone until I turned onto Brickhill Street near Waitrose at Oakgrove. It meant that I could drive at barely 20 m.p.h., and as a consequence the traffic behind had to follow. There was  no way I could overtake. There are traffic calming areas which have recently been installed along the central reservation. If you even attempted to overtake there was a very strong risk of running into the cones and other barriers which are in the way. I don't think some drivers appreciate having to drive so slowly, but at least it meant none of the stupid tailgating that I have to endure most days when I am out in the car.

When I eventually got to Camphill and parked the car, it turned out that around half the drama group were going to be out, visiting a school in Milton Keynes, Hazley Academy as it turned out, something to do with planting herbs in pots. I think it was for the school childen to sell, but I'm not sure. At the beginning of each session the residents have to give a sort of resume of how they felt and what they had been doing and what they expected to get out of the day. Support staff (which is what I am, even though I'm voluntary.) have to also give an account of themselves. I had the Disclosure Certificate with me, so I had to got to the office to inform them that I now had this piece of quite important paper and it has now been photocopied and put in my file. We spent most of the morning tidying up the theatre, sweeping and vacuuming and moving equipment around and then we went upstairs to the library (I can't think why it's called a library, because there weren't a lot of books in evidence. More of an office. Tao, the theatre leader (I'm not sure of his actual title, but he seems in charge of most things in the theatre, not just directing the student actors, but the general running of the place, including the technical side.) wanted to have a written document to explain what happens when a tea-break is called. I am to be given responsibility for keeping the tea-bar organised, to make sure it is clean and tidy, the dish washer is properly organised, the tablet put in whenever a load is put in and emptied etc etc. So we sat and this document was created using a MacBook (the whole theatre department is extremely well equipped with MacBooks, iPads etc etc as well as digital projectors which means DVDs of films can be shown, including the one that has been made of the Stranger Danger project, which was shown to the community assembly last week. Unfortunately I was unable to attend, although my name is to be added to the credits, even though I have only been involved for a few weeks.)

We broke for lunch and I had my first experience of the Camphill café. I am really impressed by the whole set-up. You have a waiter/ waitress service, staffed by residents, and they bring it to your table. I had cheese toasty and latte and then a slice of really great chocolate fudge cake. I shall definitely be returning for further lunches over the next few months and years.

After lunch I helped load the dish washer with one of the drama regulars and then we sat and discussed what we wanted the video to be delivered on, either a memory stick or DVD, or given a link to the Vimeo upload on the internet. I had decided to have it on DVD so I can play it on my television which has a built in DVD player.

As there weren't all of the gang during the afternoon, Teo decided that, because it was so hot and sunny, to take everyone out for a walk along the shore of Willen Lake. It is only a fairly short walk over Brickhill Street, passing under the road and then out to the path. It was quite a long haul walking along the shore of the lake, but because it was such a pleasant afternoon it was just perfect and stopping to look at some birds and some of the guys recognising whatever species they were. Then further, walking along the path that passes Willen Hospice and remembering what it was like when My lovely Carol was there. This is where we took George, my grandson, when Chloe and Steve bought both grandsons to visit Carol and George seemed more interested in what the workmen were doing chopping down some of the branches of the trees when it was very windy. Then we went through Willen village and back around to the path on the other side of the lake and back to Camphill, climbing up a fairly steep hill that lead to the foot  bridge that crossed Brickhill Street and in to the entrance at the back of the Camphill campus. I will say that all that walking did some good for me as I had a really good  night's sleep. That's what good exercise does for you!

It's 'Ot!

Goodness gracious! It's a really hot day! I may actually get a chance to wear my new shorts which I bought in Marks and Spencers the other week! So, knees and other areas below will be on display, hopefully not too pale.

I had made a chocolate fudge cake last week and took it to the Mens' Breakfast on Saturday morning with the intention that we ate some of it, if not, all. I was looking forward to trying it out. After the disaster of the one I had made a few weeks earlier, I decided to follow one of Delia Smith's recipes and made the two sections and then made the chocolate fudge to cover the cake as well as the filling. It didn't get touched by any of the men and landed up being put in the fridge in the café area, basically to keep it chilled and out of harms way. I was then hoping (note: hoping!) to get a slice when I returned for Sunday service. It didn't appear and then I was told that it had been eaten by the women who came to the Ladies' get together which follows on after the Mens' Breakfast. To say I was shocked would be untrue! I was expecting some of the men to have a go at tasting, but not to expect the ladies to EAT ALL OF IT! Shocked, to say the least, and disappointed that I didn't get to sample it, although it was made to share and I never make cakes to sit and eat on my own. So from the fact that it was eaten entirely I am pleased as that was made for eating and not staring at! I shall have to make more, and not just cakes.

Anyway, regardless of that, I went to the Willen Hospice coffee morning in John Lewis's store in Milton Keynes. I haven't been for the past couple of weeks, last week was May Bank Holiday and what with one thing and another, just didn't manage to make it. A lovely lot of people, who've been through the similar experience as me with a loved one dying of cancer and being a patient at such an amazing place as Willen. During the morning some ladies from Willen presented the lady who is the liason officer for John Lewis who is responsible for having the coffee morning at Lewis's and she was presented with a certificate and a huge bouquet of flowers to thank her for her work.

I've been into the Nationwide Building Society's branch in the main shopping centre to check that my bank account is safe after the 'business' I had to endure regarding the scam last Friday. It would appear that it is safe, thank goodness. I then went to the NatWest to check my account there, and it is also fine. I did all this just to reassure myself that all is as it should be. The main reason for going to the Nationwide, which is the account I use most, was because they have frozen my debit card and will be issuing me with a new one. I now pay for parking using the RingGo app on my iPhone, but this morning, when I want to use it, my payment was declined so I had to walk into the shopping centre, take out some cash from an A.T.M. machine and go into the Metro bank to get change, £1 coins, which I used to pay for my parking ticket. I am assured that the new debit card will be sent to me by the end of the week.

I  then went into Marks and Spencer because I needed something to eat as it was fast approaching lunch time. I found a cheese and salad baguette near the entrance and a pack of Welsh cakes, which I have to admit I haven't eaten for goodness knows how many years. I then went to pay at a checkout and stood in line at one which was being operated by a young lady who clearly had a learning disability. I think she might have been moderately down syndrome, but seemed very capable. I'm so pleased that companies such as Marks and Spencer give these people a chance to prove themselves. She was busily chatting to customers as they were going through with their shopping. I only had a few items and handed over a £10 note, but she unfortunately keyed in her till for a £20 note and had to get assistance from a supervisor. It wasn't really a problem, and it just needed a bit of patience but she managed the situation very well.

Wild and Windy

After the warm and sunny weather of a week ago, the last couple of days there's been strong winds and rain. They've named it Storm Hannah. It's been so cold I even had to put the central heating on. This morning (Saturday) I went back to bed and at around 6.15 Alfie came upstairs to find out where I was, because he was expecting to go out for his early-morning walk. When we did eventually get outside and walk around Eagletone Park, there were definite signs of the storm, with bits of twig all over the path at one point, some of it quite large. Just as well we didn't go out during the strong winds because it would have been quite dangerous. Yesterday afternoon I was in the lounge during the storm, the bird-feeding station which is directly outside the window, was being blown all over the place. The wrap-around bamboo screening which we had put around the garden shed had been dislodged from one side and was in danger of being torn off completely. I will have to go out and tack it back on. I don't want Alfie anywhere near it as it's too tempting for him to get behind and then get stuck inside the shed. The shed is a wreck. It has previous tenant's furniture in it, for example, a rotting mattress and the door has been nailed up so that there's no chance of Alfie getting inside and requiring rescue from myself, which has happened in the past.

I've been attempting to get back to my writing. I haven't made an issue of it in these blog posts. I was working on a project, maybe it would turn into a novel, I'm not sure. It was intended as a sort of reaction to television soap, which I always think are so dreary, have miserable characters and repetative plots. My idea was to create something similar, set in a familiar location, so I decided to set my project in a relatable place, in this case, somewhere I know well, that is, Bedford. I began working on this several years ago, created some of the characters and wrote some of the story-lines as well as began the actual writing, creating a central plotline and characters. The idea being that there are several households which have their own characters and stories and they overlap with each other. I built up back stories for some of the characters. I still have all this material in several files. But when Carol was diagnosed with cancer, unfortunately my time was taken up with such things as going with her to appointments and then 12 cycles of chemotherapy and visiting her in Milton Keynes hospital and then Willen Hospice.

The first section of writing was done sitting in my armchair in the lounge, with a notepad on my lap, but I now find I need a desk to sit at and to be more comfortable and with space to spread out my notes so it's easier to work. I had hoped to find some sort of desk which I could set up in front of my armchair but it suddenly occurred to me that there was a perfectly adequate desk in the bedroom which hasn't really been used properly. I had had a television set on it which we used to watch in bed when there was a Sky minibus connected to it, but which has now been disconnected and returned to Sky.

So this afternoon I've spent some time clearing this desk. It's not actually a desk. It was bought in IKEA. It is just a length of Formica-topped timber (I don't think it's actually Formica, but a similar plastic substance that's usually used to make kitchen work surfaces because it's so easily cleaned with a cloth.) and four legs which were screwed onto the under-side of the timber. Cheap and easy to put together and worked more than adequately. Only problem was that the whole thing wobbled, so I had to put bits of card under two of the legs. I can't possibly work at a wobbly desk. Plenty of space to work at and have extra room to lay out files and notes. I also have a swivel office chair which I had at my flat in Beauchamp Court when I lived in Bedford. Now to get down to some serious writing. I don't have an excuse not to.

Sunday, Monday, Weather

(Sunday)It was a bit wet when I took out Alfie this morning. Not drenching, but wet enough. We didn't do the entire circuit of Eaglestone Park, but nevertheless, we managed to get out by 6.30. I do't think Alfie could wait a minute longer. He came back looking really wet and bedraggled, and it took him a while to dry off. As I write this, there is a howling wind outside. It seems to have got up by the time I got to Shenley Christian Fellowship a good deal earlier than usual, because I am now on what's called the Genesis Team, and we're there to set up for the day's services. Not actually a great deal to do. I shan't be on the rota for another month or so, but one Sunday in perhaps 4 or 6 won't make  great deal of difference to me. Anyway, the wind was so strong that it blew over the sign which is put up outside the building, just before the service begins and also the poster which was pinned to it was blown across the carpark.

(Monday) I had intended having at least an extra hour in bed this morning. I hadn't seen the necessity to be up and dressed so early, but it didn't work out that way. Alfie didn't appreciate the fact that he wasn't going to get his early-morning walk around Eaglestone Park. I straightened out the duvet and refused to move, but it didn't prevent Alfie coming and prodding me with a paw to remind me of my obligations to him. Still, I did have around another 20 minutes of shut-eye. I knew it was quite sunny outside with the sun streaming in at the bedroom window. Alfie shuffled about in the bed. He sometimes gets in under the duvet and pushes himself up against me, which he did this time, but he just couldn't settle. He knew it was past the time we usually go out. So, with a deep sigh, I slid out of the bed and sorted out my clothes and got dressed and went downstairs. The minute Alfie realised I was about to take him out, he started barking and making his usual din. I popped my medication out of their packets and took it all, put on my shoes and we went out. Trying to attach his lead to the D rings on his harness is difficult because he wriggles about but I managed it and we got through the front door. Although it was sunny and bright, there was a keen wind blowing, almost wintery. Yesterday I saw a few flurries of snow, which was something of a surprise.

For the last couple of days there's been a car parked more or less opposite our driveway. Not really a driveway, just the bay where I park my car. I hadn't really paid it much attention. It was a grey/silver Peugeot 208 I think. I'm not very good at types of cars, their numbers etc. It was parked in an annoying place, because when I wanted to reverse into the road it was in such a position I had to manoeuvre in such a way so as to avoid hitting it. Together with the fact that a white van was parked on the footpath opposite and blocking my sight to the left when I came out with the car. Anyway, this silver car had been in exactly the same position for some considerable time. I assumed it belonged to someone living nearby, probably in one of the bungalows opposite my house. Then, the other morning, when I was standing at the sink doing some washing up, my eye was caught by the sight of a low-loading breakdown truck that was parked behind this silver car, with the slope down and the driver attaching cables to the car and about to winch the car onto the back of the low loader. So, it would appear from what I saw, that this silver car had probably broken down somewhere or other, probably on Saxon Street, and had been left where it was parked until a breakdown company could come and remove it. Not entirely sure why it was there, but this might be the explanation.

Later. I had a letter from NatWest about the car loan this morning. Because it was taken out in Carol's name it will be written off since she passed away. I'm quite overwhelmed by this, because I had been concerned about paying for the loan because I'd never be able to afford the repayments. The letter this morning was under the terms of the Consumer Credit Act of 1974. Something do with arrears on the account. I rang and spoke to someone and apparently I do not owe this sum of money, in the region of a little over £500. I have been told that this letter is just a formality which they have to send out. The loan will be written off officially after nine months have passed since Carol's death. All this is a weight off my mind. I was concerned that I would have to give the car back and then be without it. I suppose I could survive without a car, but it would have made life difficult if it had been surrendered.

Once I'd dealt with the bank (incidentally, all this is done via a phone call. I couldn't deal with it in the NatWest branch in Milton Keynes which I use most often, although the account is actual held in the High Street Bedford branch where it was originally set up.) I went into Milton Keynes centre because I was going to the Willen Hospice support group which meets in John Lewis every Monday morning at 10 a.m. Because I got parked and was too early to go to the John Lewis café where the group meets, I decided to walk to Milton Keynes Theatre, because I was intent on booking myself a ticket to see 'Les Miserables' which is due to vast Milton Keynes in a couple of months time. I walked all the way there and discovered that the box office didn't open until 12 midday. Which was annoying, but nevertheless, I decided that I would return later when it was open.

I went to John Lewis and had a rather tasty caramel latte and a blueberry muffin and met up with the rest of the Willen Hospice group. I suppose I was there for an hour and a half, but I had forgotten that my carpark ticket would run out at 11.30, so I had to leave  before I got a fine, because I've seen the parking wardens checking cars for either expired tickets or none at all. Fortunately no such parking wardens around when I got back to the car and put a further £1 on the car so I could walk back to the theatre to attempt to get my Les Miz ticket.

I walked the length of the shopping centre again and arrived at the theatre. A lot of building going on. Some workmen putting up a new signpost, and work going on ready for the art gallery to reopen, which is next to the theatre, which has been given a revamp. Apparently it's going to be reopened on the 16th March, which I saw on a poster when I was walking through the shopping centre. Anyway, a group of people waiting outside the theatre, about to buy tickets like me, it turned out. The doors were opened and I had to stand in line at the box office and managed to get my ticket for 'Les Miserables' on 30th May, for the matinee at 2.30 p.m. I saw the original West End production at the Palace Theatre, loved it then, and have also seen the film version. So, having paid for my ticket, I left the theatre a happy man and walked back into the shopping centre.

By now I was feeling somewhat hungry. I walked past Costa near Middleton Hall, but there was too much of a queue, so I walked on and saw that there was no long queue in Caffe Nero. I ordered a Passion Fruit and Mango Booster, a cold drink, because I just didn't fancy a hot drink because I'd had a latte when I was in the John Lewis cafe earlier. Also, a smoked salmon and cheese sandwich. All rather pleasant. I must say I'm a little more positive of this particular branch of Caffe Nero, because the last time I was in here I had to say the girl on the till was not in a very good mood and didn't impress with her style of customer service. I like the fact they play jazz over their sound system, a good deal better than the usual awful noise you have to contend with in some places. I was also impressed with the couple who had two babies in a double buggy, presumably the babies were twins. They sat at the next table to me, and the amount of equipment they had for the children would have needed a large vehicle to carry it about. Both babies seemed in fine form, giggling and gurgling and wiggling about in the buggy. Must have been  real effort for the parents and presumably the babies grandfather who was with them.

I am currently looking for some new shoes. I had been into Sports Direct, where my Adidas trainers were purchased, but nothing I have seen appeal. I walked past the Clark's shoe shop window in the shopping centre and have seen some of their new styles of shoe and they do look the sort of thing I'm after, although they are quite expensive. Having taken the cost of them into account, and the fact that I have bought Clark's shoes in the past, they are a good brand and last well, being well constructed and comfortable, so may go back to try on a pair before making a decision.

Clearing Out

(Wednesday)I've managed to take two boxes of paperbacks and DVDs to the Barnado's donation centre in Oldbrook. They were more than happy to receive all these items. But there's quite a considerable amount yet to sort and possibly dispose of. I should have a lot more space to play around with. It is stuff that has either been watched once, such as DVDs, and books that have been read- once- and probably won't be read again. But I'm not getting rid of any of my history books, paperback or hardback, as they are good reference material.

I've been looking at some of the written material I have saved on my laptop. I am beginning to continue with what I started, but had been delayed, for want of a better word, when Carol was diagnosed and then spent so much time in hospital, that I didn't have the time or either inspiration to continue with it. Having read a lot of it back, and in particular, a lot of the notes, I'm going to pick up where I left off. I wanted to print out some of this material, because it's easier to read as hard copy rather than on a computer screen. The problem was that I couldn't get the Canon printer to print, basically because the ink cartridges had run low or had barely enough ink to do the job. Then I wasn't sure how to open the printer to gain access to the cartridges, but after some effort I managed to open the printer and extract the empty cartridges. I decided to visit what used to be Staples, but has since become Stationary Outlet. When this transformation happened I don't know, but it was the only place I could think of where I could obtain the ink cartridges. I then got close to the store and the road was blocked off with a temporary fence and a large 'Road Closed' sign in place. Did they not want my custom? Why the need to close off access? What annoys me most of all is that there's no sign of any roadworks, no men with picks or shovels, wearing hard hats and hi-viz jackets, no sign of any sort of work. So, I had to go back the way I had come, turning round in the road and going into the estate where Stationary Outlet was situated. On parking the car and walking in through the entrance, the whole place has changed. Shrunk, more like. I don't know what was going on. Presumably they didn't required such a large store or 'footprint' as I think the term is, but I managed to find the two appropriate ink cartridges, but somewhat shocked at the cost of them, but as they are a necessity, there's no point in complaining.

Anyway, I got home and managed o put the cartridges into the printer and it's now working successfully.

I've been for the last bereavement counselling session at Willen Hospice. The lady who has been helping doesn't think I need any more support in that respect. I think she is right. I'm definitely moving on. The first time I went there it was quite difficult but this time it seemed easier. She rang last evening to tell me about the appointment today, but I knew we'd arranged it to be the 6th March, because it's the day before what would be Carol's 55th birthday. I had an idea it was wrong but it didn't matter particularly. Because it has been so sunny and warm and there are no end of daffodils out, it made it so much easier. Carol loved daffodils, which is why I'm putting cut daffodils in the vase on the widnowsill in the lounge because that is what she loved. I will keep them going until they finish and they're nearly always displayed in the supermarket near the till so there's no excuse not to buy them.

I came home from Willen and took Alfie out for a walk. We came across a lady walking to little terriers (I think they were terriers of some sort.) Alfie was off his lead and ran rings around them, but they didn't seem in the least bit interested. Alfie always wants to make friends with the dogs he comes across in Eaglestone Park, but it seems not many want to be friends with him, which is a real pity.

Doing This and That

I had a telephone call from Theresa, who is part of the Family Support group at Willen Hospice. She spoke a lot to Carol when she was in Willen. She was ringing to discover how I was getting on since Carol passed away. She said I might like to have bereavement counselling, which I agreed. She said that she would pass on my name and try to find someone to come and see me. I got a call a few days later from a lady called Hilary and she came out to see me last Friday morning. I was told that there was a group of people who met in the  John Lewis restaurant on a Monday morning. Hilary was there when I arrived at 10a.m. I was introduced to the group and it was a pleasant time just getting to know people and having a chance to chat. They have outings and also meet in a pub for a meal somewhere in Milton Keynes. I believe it's called The Barn, somewhere in the City centre.

I've recently bought a soundbar for my Hitachi High Definition television. It's made by Goodmans. I got it because it was on offer in Sainsbury's. I had some fun setting it up. It will connect using Bluetooth, to my Kindle as well as my iPhone. I have the BBC 'Sounds' app on the iPhone and you can listen to radio, podcasts or download broadcasts, such as comedy or drama. I had a problem getting it to connect to the television. In the manual which came with the device they suggest that for best results to use the 'optical' connection, but a lead for this did not come with the device so I had to go to buy the cable from Currys. I attempted to connect it to the sounder but it would not work. The actual plug just wouldn't connect to either the television or the soundbar. I tried this several times but almost gave up. I then decided to use Google and I found a YouTube video. Low and behold, it suggested removing the plastic covers on each end of the cable. No? Why was this not in the manual or other places? So, I took off these clear plastic covers, and would you guess? The lead fits perfectly! I assumed these clear plastic covers were part of the lead, not there to protect the end of the lead. Why is no mention of this in the manual? Then I followed the instructions in the manual and now the thing connects perfectly and boosts the television sound considerably!

I was in the kitchen, preparing my evening meal. I just happened to look out of the patio doors and, lo and behold! I see it's snowing! Quite heavily. Alfie was wandering about and it looked as if he might need to go out into the garden. I slid the door open and he stuck his head out. He had one look at the falling snow, and withdrew into the house. I can hardly blame the poor little dog. He doesn't like cold and he wasn't going to venture forth. He's currently curled up on the sofa, in the bundle of blankets he likes very much.

(Wednesday) I put the rubbish out for the bin men early this morning and I was more than a little surprised to discover we'd had a fall of snow. Not a lot, but enough. When is there ever enough snow?

A bit later . . . I've discovered a load more of Carol's medication in one of the kitchen cupboards. I put it all together in a carrier bag and took it to Lloyd's pharmacy in Sainsbury's this morning. I have also thrown out no end of part-used packets, bottles and jars of stuff from one of the kitchen cupboards and as a result there's a good deal more space in that cupboard. It needed doing. It's all gone out in black plastic bags and now taken away by the bin men. I was surprised that it had all been taken away when I got back from Sainsbury's.

The sun is out and it's quite warm now (11.00 a.m.) Now sitting in the lounge writing this and resting after the exertions of going to Sainsbury's and then emptying the cupboards. It's quite therapeutic. I think that's the word.

Next Wednesday I'm booked to have my second stent fitted at the John Radcliffe Hospital in Oxford. I had a telephone call from one of the nurses there to find out if I was alright. I told them I wanted the think over and done with. I'm on the morning list and may be there until about 5p.m. 

A New Year

So,  as we enter a new year. I only trust and hope (and pray) that 2019 is better than 2018. There will be a very big hole in my life, left when Carol passed away. We had an amazing marriage. 11 years of total joy. We did so much together, we visited so many places, discovered so many new things as a couple. The battle with cancer was very difficult. We had hopes that it could be won. Carol got through 12 cycles of chemotherapy without too much trouble. Then she got the infection which lead to her being in hospital for several periods, until the final stretch which eventually lead to her going into Willen Hospice for them to deal with the awful pain she had to endure. They managed to find the right combination of medication to relieve the pain and then she had to move out of Willen (because they could only allow her to stay for no more than 5 weeks.) which eventually lead to her moving to Castlemead Court where she eventually died barely a week later.

Carol had her sights set on going back to work. She loved her job as a science teacher. It was very stressful but that didn't put her off. I was able to support her by being at home, looking after the house, shopping, cleaning and making sure she had a meal when she got home in the evening. She was almost alway at work before other members of staff, usually by 7.15. It's only a short walk from our home to the Academy, so I could go and meet her as she left in the afternoon. She will be sadly missed by her colleagues and pupils. How many times we would be out in Milton Keynes, shopping or doing nothing in particular, when we would have one of her students come to see her and tell her that they had to thank her for helping them gain whatever qualification so they could achieve their ambition, for example, get to university. Or she would find a former pupil working somewhere, probably on a supermarket checkout or similar. Quite heartening to think she has left a legacy like that. But, as the cancer took hold it seemed unlikely that she would ever return to work. The pain she experienced was too much.

When we first got the diagnosis around 18 months ago, it was a terrible shock. I told Carol then that I would be with her all the way along the journey, however difficult. And it was. The worst thing being that, however much pain and suffering she had to endure, there was nothing much I could do do help. All I could do was be at her side and watch. I managed to be with her every day she was in hospital, and at every consultant and doctor's appointment and every single chemotherapy session. We did manage to visit some interesting places in the early days after the diagnosis, but there were times when it was obvious that Carol was in intense pain. It was extremely difficult for me to see someone who was so lively, had a degree in earth sciences, went on to become an extremely popular and successful science teacher, who enjoyed reading, playing games on her Kindle, sometimes playing Scrabble with me when she was in hospital, and then, over a relatively short period, doing none of these things, just laying in bed, in excruciating pain, and doing nothing, spending long periods asleep, and drugged to the point that she could barely tell what the time of day was or what was going on.

Carol Moves to Castlemead Court

On Sunday, when I visited Carol a good deal later than I usually visit, I learned that Carol was moving to Castlemead Court in Newport Pagnell. One of the nurses came into her room at Willen to say that transport had been booked to take her there and I would need to start packing her belongings as there wouldn't be room on the ambulance for more than one bag of things, so most of her belongings would need to be transported in our car.

On Monday morning I was told that there would be an ambulance to take Carol from Willen Hospice to Castlemead Court and that it was booked for between 11-11.30 a.m., but they didn't actually arrive until about 1.30. Carol missed lunch, but she had a bowl of soup. We'd managed to pack up all her belongings into several carrier bags which were put in the back of the car. Carol was transferred from her bed onto a stretcher by the paramedics and wheeled out to the ambulance. I drove off out of the carpark and I soon caught up with the ambulance as it left Willen Village and managed to follow it all the way to Newport Pagnell and I was surprised how close it was to Castlemead Court, probably no more than two miles.

On arrival at Castlemead the paramedics unloaded Carol on the stretcher and wheeled her into the unit and I followed with as much of the bags as i could carry and took them into the unit and into the room where she was ensconced a few minutes before I arrived.

It's a friendly enough place, Castlemead. Carol has learnt that she is the youngest person there. A lot of altzeimers sufferers, people in wheelchairs, a lot of screaming and someone calling out constantly. Carol prefers to have her door open, but it's sometimes necessary to close it when there's too much noise. She has been asleep or at least very drowsy when I have arrived in the morning and she's usually being given a wash and the bedding changed when I turn up, so I have to wait in the lounge area, which is just opposite her room. Plenty of armchairs to sit in and a large-screen television. They have put up Christmas decorations. You can always go into the kitchen area in the dining room to make a cup of tea or coffee and Carol gets a choice at meal-time. I generally help her eat her breakfast or lunch. There is a menu on the wall along the corridor so you can always check what there is for each meal, all prepared fresh on the premises.

The big issue I have with Castlemead is finding a place to park. I find if I get there early enough, around 10 a.m., I can usually park easily. On Wednesday, when I drove over from Milton Keynes, I have come via Willen, along Brickhill Street, but that day there I found out until far too late that the road was closed so I had to drive towards the city centre and go via Monk's Way, the road that goes towards Chichley and Only, and cut through to Newport Pagnell along the usual road I take into the centre of the town. Just annoying that I wasn't informed of the road closure earlier and had to drive several miles out of my way.

Staff are allowed to bring their dogs to work. So there can be a couple of really delightful dogs running about the unit. One, called Charlie, does tricks. You have to know the hand gestures that will get him to 'sit' or 'roll over,' and then give him a treat out of a box which is kept near the television. Carol loves him, and he was put on her bed to stroke. A really good way to motivate residents, in particular, those with alzheimer's. On my first arrival when I was viewing the place last week, I was greeted at the front door by a little shitzu, which was one half of our dog, Poppy, who was a cross Westie/ Schitzu. It barked at me and kept coming up to me and then when I arrived on one of the upper floors I was greeted by two, what I think were pugs. I think Charlie is a pug, but I'm not exactly sure.

Carol Moving From Willen Hospice

Last Friday we were told by one of the doctors, that, because of the fact that Carol's pain had been got under control she would need to transfer to a new place of care. This came as something of a shock to both of us. They began the process of finding suitable accommodation and first they needed to get funding her her new care package, wherever it was likely to be. There was the option for her to return home, but we discussed this and it would be impossible for her to return home. The house is not suitable, she would need a bed in the lounge, which wouldn't work because of the size of the room as well as the fact that there is a large bookcase which would be in the way of the door which would prevent the use of a wheelchair, as well as steps in and out of the front door and the layout of the rooms would make access virtually impossible. She wouldn't be able to use the upstairs bedroom, because of mobility problems. So a suitable care home which could provide similar nursing care as Willen Hospice would be a better option. It seems Willen is only set up for short term care of around four to five weeks and she has been there for at least five weeks.

On Tuesday, when I got home from Willen, I got a telephone call from something called Continuing Care, telling me that they could fund Carol's transfer to a new care home, called Castlemead Court which is in Newport Pagnell. A lady at church had said that she would be willing to go with me to check out places for Carol, so we decided on visiting on Thursday morning, after which I would decide, in consultation with Carol, whether this place was suitable. Carol wasn't too pleased at the news of having to move away from Willen, understandably. A bit of s shock, basically because she's got used to being there as well as building up relationships with the nursing staff.

On Thursday I went to see Castlemead Court. I really liked the place. On arrival, I was met by a little dog, a bit like our Poppy, barking at me. Then, when we were shown upstairs to the unit on which Carol would be, there were two more dogs. They sniffed at me, obviously picking up Alfie's scent on my clothes. Then the two dogs followed me around as we were shown around the property. The individual rooms are spacious, a good deal larger than those at Willen. The place has a more homely feel, less institutionalised or like a hospital, which, basically, is what Willen is like, although it has a lovely calming atmosphere. So I decided that the place was suitable for Carol's needs, her care wouldn't change from what she is getting at Willen, along with all her medications as well as having a hospital bed.

On being taken back to the reception area, I was given a brochure and more details about Castlemead, with photographs and descriptions of the place, which I would give to Carol to look at when I visited on Friday morning. We discussed the move to Castlemead and she agreed that it would be a pleasant enough place to transfer to. One of the doctors came in and we discussed Castlemead and Carol's moving there and the doctor said that he would contact Continuing Care to start the ball rolling for Carol to transfer there from Willen.

(Wednesday) I took Alfie out for his morning walk (More like a gallop, as he hardly walks when let off his lead.). There was a slight drizzle as we got out into the road, and it seemed to get heavier the closer we got to the grassy area where I let him off his lead. So I had to make the decision to cut short the walk and not do the usual circuit of the park, cutting across the grass and back home along the path back up to our house.

(Thursday) Well, I know I keep repeating myself, but it really doesn't matter. It's because we follow a routine. Alfie didn't want to miss his walk, even though it was barely light when we ventured forth this morning. I did stick my head out the front door to see if it was raining. It wasn't. It rained during the night, because I could hear it rattling on the windows. We did our usual circuit of Eaglestone Park. I was determined that we did. Some 1513 steps, according to my step-counter. On the way round we saw a lady coming out of her house with a dog, I think it was a Basset hound, one of those low-slung dogs with droopy ears and a long tail and black and white. I'm thinking of the character of Fred Basset who has his own comic strip in, I think, the Daily Mail. What caught my eye was the fact that he had a string of blue Christmas lights around his collar! Very original and very clever. I have never seen this before. Must have been battery powered. I don't think the doggy was interested in being friends with Alfie, who almost always wants to say 'hello' to every dog, whatever its size or shape, that he encounters.

This morning (Friday), when I was visiting Carol at Willen, I got a telephone call on my mobile, from Continuing Care. It would appear that they hadn't been contacted about Carol's transfer to Castlemead, but I gave my consent for them to make arrangements for Carol's move, which, if all the paperwork gets sorted by the various departments, this should go ahead early next week.

Willen, Strange Phone Calls and Stents

Not easy writing this blog post. You will have noticed, if you're an avid follower of my posts on here, that I haven't posted anything for more than a week. We now know that Carol's cancer has spread, to her lungs and bones. I'm sorry, but there's no cure, no chemotherapy will destroy the tumour. It's really difficult to put these words on here. All I can do as a good husband is to be by her side, to help her with the pain whenever possible.  She is getting good care at Willan Hospice. We don't know how much time we've got left. It's appalling for me and the family. I have support from my church, Shenley Christian Fellowship. As you will no doubt be aware I have been attending this church since last year and I can't thank everyone there for visiting Carol, either at home, in Milton Keynes Hospital and now at Willen. 

Carol's mum and dad as well as her sister Jackie visited last week (I think it was last week. Time has gone into a sort of over-drive since all this began.) They came up from Bournemouth on the Monday and then stayed with family in Leicester, coming down alternate days and then returned home on the Friday of that week.

On the Tuesday I took Alfie, our Yorkshire Terrier, in to Willan Hospice to see Carol. I had to take him in the cage in the back of the car. No sooner had he got out of the car, than be began to bark noisily. In fact he barked almost all the time he was at Willen. I took him into Carol's room and he licked Carol's hands and face. I think she was really pleased to see him, but was somewhat concerned with him barking. Understandable, really, because we didn't want to upset any of the other patients. The staff loved him and made a great fuss of him, which Alfie, as expected, loved every minute of being stroked and being the centre of attention.

I had a telephone call yesterday. I rushed to pick up the thing, which is in the hallway. I'm talking here about our landline telephone. It's one of those cordless models. which means the unit sits in a docking cradle to keep the thing charged, so you can pick it up to answer and speak and talk anywhere within the house. On putting the thing to my ear there was no immediate response, no voice at the other end. I said 'hello!,' several times, then a further few seconds of silence. A sort of hollow sound, then a really awful, obviously mechanical or at least, recorded female voice said 'Good bye!!' and that was the end to the call. So, can someone tell me, what was it all about? Who on earth would bother to make a telephone call and then . . . .  just silence, followed by the awful female voice saying 'Good bye!' Someone's idea of a joke. If so, a rather pathetic one. What a waste of time and effort.

I've since been on Google to look for 'silent telephone calls,' and according to Ofcom these calls are not illegal, but if you can find out who sends them you can complain to them to get the company involved fined if they make too many of them.

I took Alfie out for his routine morning walk at about 7.15 this morning. Alfie doesn't understand that we can't go out when it's dark. It gets lighter later and later. I'm a bit annoyed that I make a real effort to pick up Alfie's poo and put it in a bin. I always carry at least one black doggy bag in my pocket for this eventuality, but it's unfair that some people don't pick up after their dogs as I see quite a lot of excrement on my walk around Eaglestone Park with Alfie. On the way back along the patch back to the house I am shocked to see a postman delivering mail. I don't think I've seen a postman much before midday around here ever. Certainly not in the time I've lived in Milton Keynes. There was a time once, long ago, when you could virtually set your watch by the postman delivering. In Bedford you used to get a delivery at 7 a.m, more or less on the dot, and then a second one around 11 a.m. Certainly not now. They seem to deliver when they feel like it. The other day we got our post delivered at around 4.30 p.m. which was a real shock.

When I got back home there was a pile of mail on the doormat. One was a package from Amazon, with a book in it which I ordered about a week ago. I am supposed to get stuff from Amazon delivered within 24 hours as I have Amazon Prime. Not really sure what they've been doing with that package. Usually Amazon uses their own delivery drivers for their parcels, but this was the Royal Mail. Never mind. At least I got my order . . .  eventually. But it seems the Royal Mail is slipping.

In that pile of mail I had a letter from the John Radcliffe Hospital in Oxford telling me that I would need a second stent fitted. No doubt they know what they're doing because it came from Professor Keith Channon, Honorary Consultant Cardiologist and Professor of Cardiovascular Medicine. I would imagine he has seen the scans done when I had the perfusion test done at Oxford all those weeks ago. I did wonder when I was going to hear. I'm not sure whether I will have to stay in hospital after having the procedure done and how I'm going to get there as well as back as I  don't think I could drive in either direction. Far too stressful.